Finding focus: why I deleted social media

As a psychotherapist, my journey is as much about exploring my own mind and behaviours as it is about understanding others. As the adage goes, ‘healer, heal thy self.’ Recently, I made a decision that might seem counterintuitive in our hyper-connected world: I deleted my social media apps. This isn't a proclamation of superiority or a judgment on those who find value in digital platforms; it's an open exploration of why and how I realized these tools were more a theft of my attention and time — the very things I value most.

The Promise of Connectivity

Social media came with the promise of connectivity, economic abundance (side hustle anyone?), business support (democratized marketing for all), and a platform for diverse voices — it all was a bit too good to be true. Now, I’m a humble optimist, so I do not believe that things that seem too good to be true are not; but I am a person who looks at the structures that govern our current society, and a capitalist and neoliberalist market does not willingly do things “for free.” There is always a cost. There is an incentive for these businesses, and it’s not to address the loneliness epidemic or democratize minoritized voices.

In talking about social media with countless others, I heard the echo of the narratives of countless patients. Social media held the allure of romantic relationships, the 'hope of it all,' to borrow a line from Taylor Swift. It had the potential to be a panacea, and for a few, it seemed to ‘work’ (minority myths). But, for me, one of the first Facebook adopters, year after year, I’ve noticed a trend. Rather than building connectivity and closeness, I found my relationships thinning, the authenticity of my connections waning, and my anxiety growing as I struggled to check an exploding number of platforms to ensure I replied—what later amounted to a simple emoji heart to let people know I had received their message. As my network expanded, my understanding of people became more superficial, and I realized I was passively relying on these platforms to feel in-touch, mistaking a tenuous link for true connection.

The Myth of Unlimited Connections

As a psychotherapist, we often explore the nature of human relationships, and it's clear that we haven't evolved to maintain meaningful connections with hundreds, let alone millions, of “followers” (gah, I shudder just using that word). We're creatures of smaller, tribal groups — 60 to 100 people at best. The idea that I could foster meaningful interactions with my current lifestyle and brain systems across various platforms with character limits seems increasingly unlikely (and slightly preposterous).

Take a Beat

Ah, a phrase that my patients, family and friends are very familiar. “Take a beat.” Sometimes, you just need a moment, take a pause, catch you breath and figure out where to move next. I'm not quitting forever (just read a great book on Quitting by Dr. Julia Keller - I’m so much more advocating for quitting in 2024!), nor am I promising a return. For now, I need to step back and assess the value of these platforms in my life, work, business, and hobbies. Just as I wouldn't drive without knowing how to operate a vehicle or invest my money without understanding the portfolio (or worse, knowing that it would come out as a loss), I can't trust myself to use social media wisely at this juncture. The decision echoes the cautionary steps I advise in therapy — understanding before engaging, reflecting before reacting.

Before Hitting Delete: Confronting the Ego

Initially, I felt the old pangs of being left out, fearing I'd miss out on messages, invitations, or simply being 'in the know.' But as I listened to these thoughts, I recognized them for what they were — the ego responding to cleverly designed engagement strategies meant to keep users hooked. An important acknowledgment of the powerful psychology at play in these applications and a nod to those Organizational Psychologists putting their PhDs to work—I’m not judging, I’m just saying.

Seeking Authentic Connection

In therapy, I advocate for moderation, balance and integration. Living on the extremes seldom yields a fulfilling life. However, there are exceptions to every rule, and sometimes taking an extreme approach, such as deleting all apps, is necessary as I consider the place social media holds in my life and the lives of my family. My relationship with social media was one-sided, a promise of value rather than demonstrable worth. It was time to align my actions with my values and virtues. This isn't a call for everyone to follow suit; it's an explanation for why, if you DM me, I can’t respond. But send me an email, and I'll get right back to you. Better yet, let's make a real plan to connect and catch up, I’d love to hear how you’re doing…how you’re really doing.

Last Bite:

Stepping away from social media is my way of reclaiming my time and focus, of ensuring my relationships are meaningful and my life aligns with my values. It's about choosing authenticity over appearances, depth over breadth. As we navigate our digital world, let's not forget the power of a conversation, the value of a shared moment, and the importance of being truly present. Whether online or offline, let's make each interaction count. Oh yea, and as cute as the hug emoji is, a real hug is always better in my opinion.